My Summer On Earth, a novel by Tom Lombardi

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MY SUMMER ON EARTH
By Tom Lombardi
Simon & Schuster/Simon Pulse
May 06, 2008
Copyright© 2008 Tom Lombardi
ISBN: 1416955631
$8.99

1

Earth is approaching and I'm breaking apart.

I'm going to evaporate; I just know it. Meanwhile, the spacecraft is rattling so much right now that everything, including my molecules, is beginning to -- blink?

Yes, I appear to be vanishing. And then appearing. The craft must have entered another patch of darkness. Either that or I'm passing through a galaxy where all matter and shit . . . just . . . blinks.

Fuck!

Yeah well it's . . . great to be traveling at dark-speed.

[begin log: 1000.00]
Recording log, Father.

Here goes.

Total douche for volunteering to go on this mission. One, scared. Two, dark-speed rearranging my molecules, rearranging my thoughts, making me babble more than usual -- and trust me, I like to babble. We used to fly at light-speed. Guess the shit took too long. Question: Why do we need to travel this fucking fast?

Oops.

Not supposed to swear on this thing. Father, you and members of the Central Committee will listen to it. Then again, you're so busy you'll probably order one of your beings to debrief you.

[pause]
Fuck this log!

I don't know, I just feel strange babbling into something Father might listen to. I'd rather babble into nothing. But what if the scientists programmed another log into me, like, a log I don't know about; and Father and them are listening to this right now?

Am excited to walk on the Los Angeles sector of the vast land whose states are all united. I don't know . . . states all united? Sounds kind of douchey.

Wait, the craft just disappeared again.

Hello?

Hello!!!

[resume log: 930.33]

Per the central committee's orders, I've been sent to earth to retrieve a being from my planet who's become not only a citizen of earth but also an "Oscar Nominated Actor."

Many earthling years ago, this being of ours embarked on his own mission to earth to conduct studies on the environment there; only, he defecated, and was never heard from again. Heh heh. That was a joke in case any earthlings get a hold of his log. Anyway, he defected. Then became so famous that, according to our accounts, youthful earthlings have been pasting his photographs to the walls of their homes. Then, when he began losing popularity among earthlings, check this -- this being of ours -- I call him the douche -- starts constructing a movie and shit about our planet, giving away serious bits of information that potentially pose a threat to our security. We can't have that.

That's where my mission comes in. Which I'm perfect for, 'cause when we're born, only our parents can sense us. So if a younger being travels to earth to apprehend the actor, the actor won't sense him.

When I found out they wanted a younger being to embark on a mission to earth, I begged Father to let me go. He was all, "It's too dangerous." I was all, "I want to do this for the committee." He said my loyalty toward the committee was "impressive." 'Cause he's an important being, he signed me up for the mission and shit.

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted adventure.

[pause]
Fuck! What am I saying? This stupid dark-speed is affecting me in strange ways. I just thought I'd, like, turned the log off, but I kept it on. Now Father's going to think I'm giving away information I'm not supposed to. Here comes a dark patch . . .

[begin log: 910.21]
I wish we spent more time together, Father. There. I feel like a total douche admitting this stuff, but it's the truth. You're always talking about the truth. Well, the truth is, if you took your work for the central committee away you'd probably evaporate. Mother evaporated, like, way before she was meant to evaporate, Father, don't you agree? I have no memory of her . . .